Category: The Poly Chronicles

Poezabitch On Poly

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If you’re opposed to polyamory, you’ve never been in love. Now, before we set fire to the torches and gather your pitchforks let me attempt to express this notion. To be truly, polyamorous; it means to love without bounds and believe that you can love more than one person. It’s not negating soulmates and true love. It’s negating the notion that there is only one person for you. It’s saying that when you get involved with more than one person that you love and cherish them. If you have been in love; like, the real kind where you worry about that person’s happiness and wonder if you could possibly be enough to satiate their desires and needs truly, you know that their happiness is truly important. And, hell! If you’re truly the only person they need and vice versa then, by all means; rock on with your bad selves in monogamy, no judgement!

What I’m saying is: If your partner needed something else from someone else would you sacrifice the entire relationship over one missing puzzle piece? If you truly loved them, it would be heart wrenching to watch them slowly suffer because they’re not as happy as they could be. Yeah, it’s nice to own someone. I get it. But, it’s not love. If you’re lucky enough to find one single person who makes every part of your being pulsate and can truly match your intensity, someone who judges you just enough for your comfort and can make you feel like you’re the only you and you matter; then, hold onto that. But, if they need something else don’t be opposed to altering your definition of cheating.

Back when I was truly monogamous, I got cheated on. I remember the pain. I remember feeling so heart-broken because of what had happened. But, the more I contemplated the act of cheating, the more time I spent dwelling on the occurrences that happened, the more I realized that it wasn’t even the sex that bothered me. It was the lying, the sneaking around, and the feeling that I was stupid or that my partner thought I was stupid. THAT; was the problem. Cheating adapted for me to being dishonesty at a particularly young age.

When I realized I was a serial monogamist at the ripe age of 20; having had 3 long term relationships from the age of 14 until then, I decided to date around. I met someone wonderful and wasn’t quite satisfied. I asked about an open relationship. But, it wasn’t the sex that was unsatisfactory; he wasn’t unsatisfactory in any way. I still wanted to see what was out there, I didn’t want to miss out on something because a relationship was holding me back. And, I didn’t want him to change! I expressed I wanted more from another relationship than just sex and until it was about to look him in the face, it was fine. He wasn’t being honest with me about his feelings, or even himself. He cheated. And, of course, I felt like the monster for wanting Mr. Drendel to be more than just an acquaintance.

Sadly, Mr. Drendel was only ever an acquaintance. My open relationship turned me into a piece of meat, property. How he reacted to a look across the bar will forever remind me that I will not be owned. And I left him. Maybe one day I’ll delve into that. Or Mr. Drendel. He’s a wonderful story to get into; one of regret.

After that, I spent some time solo. Moved away from the small town I was residing in and wondered if I was completely alone in my views on relationships. I got roped into online dating because I was “exiling myself and needed to meet at least some friends”, according to my roomie at the time. That was a joke. I didn’t have to meet any of these people to realize they weren’t what I wanted. I wondered if I was being too harsh. I started to message with someone who was so brutally honest that I was taken aback. He had a lover who knew he was on this website. He introduced me to poly. Not polyamory. Poly. There is a difference (this is sarcasm, but, many people believe there is a distinction. ASK!). Poly is when you’re afraid to be alone and are truly monogamous searching for someone to fulfill all your needs while still having someone in your bed. Essentially, you slut it out until you can dwindle it down to someone to be amorous with. Love is a deficit in poly.

Poly is the reason that so many people are opposed to polyamory. They think it is the same thing. But, in a truly polyamorous relationship it’s the amory that sticks you together… not the poly part. I have yet to be in a successful polyamorous relationship, or a successful poly relationship, or a successful monogamous relationship. If successful means that it lasts and you don’t split up because of whatever reason. I suppose I meet too many dishonest people. Which seems to be my Achilles heel. “Oh, please lie to me! It’s just so sexy!” However, I do have many relationships that are successful and not so romantic. So, that’s something!

If there is love, and hopefully not unrequited, there is a risk of loss because of something minor that could be solved by redefining cheating. Being honest is the key. Be honest to yourself and to your partner. And, maybe, single people should claim to be “dating” instead of “polyamorous”. You know; be honest. If you love nobody; you’re not polyamorous!

Peace,Love,Anarchy*Poezebe!

Bring Me Roses

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The only cling to polyamory I have left is my beloved friendships and my relationship with myself. I believe I’ve posted it someplace, but, in case you don’t know, I date myself. I spend a lot of time with me and make myself a priority. I will never put someone ahead of me. They can be my partner; but I am my own number one! My reasoning behind it is not important, though maybe someday I will discuss it.

In my polyamorous relationship with myself, I take myself out for coffee; sometimes just spending hours inside the coffee shop with a book or with my computer. Sometimes I sketch, sometimes I just relax. I don’t bring anyone with me on these dates. I don’t double date with myself. Sometimes my dates are more elaborate, I’ll take myself out to dinner. I will court myself. I buy myself roes; not just any roses, I buy myself “crystal roses” they’re not really crystal; plastic. But they never die.

This is what I’m going to talk about today. I am going to talk about the roses.

I keep them around to remind myself of all the symbolizing factors associated with the multicolored nature of the rose. I’ll start with my first rose. I bought two. A red and a yellow one. I brought one to a guy I was seeing and kept the other for myself. I originally intended for him to have the red one and me the yellow, but, he liked the yellow one. Said it was gold! He wanted that one. I shouldn’t have given him a choice. BUT; it started me off to realize the passion within myself, and the direction of that relationship.

The red rose is a rose that describes a deep desire for an individual. It is a sign of respect for the receiver, an indication of their courage. It describes a passionate relationship. One that isn’t easily disposed of. It conveys a deep emotion for the recipient; be it love, longing or desire. It describes a relationship that is passionate with someone that you admire. Having the red rose as my first rose reaffirmed that I will always be my “primary partner”.

The next rose I bought for myself was the white one. This one was to remind me that I am worthy of love and myself. When you receive a white rose you are being told by the giver that they are worthy of you. After that I bought myself a pink rose; this one was to remind myself to be gentle with myself. To appreciate myself. The yellow rose was given to me from a friend who knew I was doing this. The yellow rose is an indication of strictly platonic emotions. It represents joy and friendship. It means they care but, aren’t interested in something deeper.

After these I started to acquire somewhat unnatural colors. Purple/lavender. This color represents enchantment. A “love at first sight” sentiment. There is no indication of a life-long continuance of said feeling, but, an understanding that the giver is fascinated by you and adores you. The blue rose represents elusivity, the unattainable and the mysterious. The blue rose says that they want you but know they can’t have you.

There are more roses to gather. More colors to acquire. And more lessons to teach myself about my relationship with me. These roses are just a reminder to love myself. To appreciate myself and treat myself. I’m going to be with me until the day that I die, I might as well enjoy the ride!

What now!?

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Polyamory is much more than being intimate.
Polyamory Is NOT. ABOUT. SEX!
Polyamory is about loving people enough to let them be happy.
Polyamory is being generous with your love.
It is not about how many people you are screwing in the backseat of daddy’s car.
It’s about how many people you allow to touch your heart.
Not your fun stuff.
What now.

“Boyfriend”

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“Hi, are you having a good day?” the man behind the counter asks.

A little perplexed I shrug my shoulders, it really hasn’t been a good day for me. “You look very happy, is that because you have a boyfriend?” I stare at him wide eyed, “I mean, he must be very good to you in order for you to be so happy; do you need a bag?”

“Actually I have a cup holder, thank you!” I mumble as I walk out the door. To be honest, the “boyfriend”; actually, lets back up, I completely dislike the concept of having a “boyfriend”. I find it degrading and demoralizing. It makes me think of archaic times when women were chattel and were not viewed as independent creatures, going from the property of their father’s to their husband’s. The term has no uplifting qualities, in my opinion. Those warm fuzzy feelings that all these people get when they have their personal person to call their own should not lead to everyone forgetting who you are when you’re not attached to your other half, nor should being in love with someone hinder you from forming relationships or being alone or being happy when you’re alone or meeting other people. Having a “boyfriend” should not take away from who you are, or who your partner is. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you sit around waiting for your partner to come home like a sad puppy. You still get to have a life when you have a relationship!

I like to be independent, even when I’m in a relationship. I like to be able to walk into a party and strike up conversations with anyone in that room without having to look to “my boyfriend” for approval. I don’t want to have to worry about how the “boyfriend” reacts as he walks into a room where I am alone with another person or be concerned that the “boyfriend” will blow a gasket over a non-harmful relationship I have with somebody else. Being in a relationship should not stop you from being unapologetically yourself, you make agreements with another person but your partner should trust you to follow those. I don’t want to have to alter my social behaviors to appease a mate.

Back to the story; the “boyfriend” (Or *InsertNameHere* as I like to call him) and I were having disagreements and I could not denote my happiness to HAVING a “boyfriend” because me and this “boyfriend” are not getting along. So; how could I be so happy if I DON’T have a “boyfriend” or if the “boyfriend” and I are not getting along. Simply put, my happiness is not derived from whether or not I am owned. I left the store; irritated and in too much of a rush to express my feelings on the coined term “boyfriend”.

When a stranger makes an advance and uses the “boyfriend” concept to decipher whether or not that woman has the freedom to be pursued, I am instantly uninterested. But, it is so nice of these men to be concerned on whether or not they are encroaching on another man’s property!

Perhaps, I was not meant to be a “girlfriend”.

He brings you your mail, but you don’t think you have a relationship with them?

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To begin with, my credentials as a relationship guru are shit. I will not pose to anyone that I am an expert on anything; that being said, I have always been the advice giving friend. I have always been the “go-to” person in my circle, and even outside of that circle; strangers have approached me, with problems as if I am just giving off this vibration that I care and want to help. I do care, and I do want to help. When the time comes that I need advice, I am given my own advice recycled to fit the context with the heeding, “You should follow your own advice.”

I should follow my own advice. When push comes to shove I preach the age-old communication line and have always been the one, even before polyamory was known to me, to push poly practices and nontraditional views of relationships. I am not an expert on polyamory, I have only heard of the practice a couple years ago. However, when I started to research and experiment with it, I realized just how much I had always been. I will not state that polyamory is THE way! I will, however, express to you that even if you have never met the person who delivers your mail; you have a relationship with that person. And polyamory is just a healthy relationship where you talk to your partner and accept what your partner has to say. You can be “monogamous” with a partner and still explore polyamorous ideals.

From what I’ve gathered; you can love someone who doesn’t fulfill all of your needs and your partner’s needs are just as important as your own. Perhaps your partner, in simple matters, enjoys an activity as innocent as golfing that you find horrendous and unappealing. Should your partner give up golfing just because you hate it? NO! Of course not! That would be unfair of you to ask! Perhaps your partner likes to go to ballet recitals and they put you to sleep; is it so unfair for your partner, lover, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, etc etc etc to find someone else to accompany them, or to actively participate in something you just cannot wrap your head around enjoying? Is it such a bad thing that someone else can do something for your significant other that you can’t?

Polyamory has defined my relationship ideals, however, I am not one to say “Open up your relationship to all sorts of different things!” Do what makes you comfortable, but the extreme form of monogamy is defined as an abusive relationship. In any account, if your partner has a friend they care about in monogamy, an emotional connection; can be considered “cheating”. Polyamory opens up the communication and defines what cheating is; maybe it is okay for your partner to have friends with which s/he has emotional connections with, but not physical, or vice versa. Just this concept alone could be so beneficial for monogamous relationships. You don’t want your only interactions to be your partner: true monogamy is not for anyone!