If you’re opposed to polyamory, you’ve never been in love. Now, before we set fire to the torches and gather your pitchforks let me attempt to express this notion. To be truly, polyamorous; it means to love without bounds and believe that you can love more than one person. It’s not negating soulmates and true love. It’s negating the notion that there is only one person for you. It’s saying that when you get involved with more than one person that you love and cherish them. If you have been in love; like, the real kind where you worry about that person’s happiness and wonder if you could possibly be enough to satiate their desires and needs truly, you know that their happiness is truly important. And, hell! If you’re truly the only person they need and vice versa then, by all means; rock on with your bad selves in monogamy, no judgement!
What I’m saying is: If your partner needed something else from someone else would you sacrifice the entire relationship over one missing puzzle piece? If you truly loved them, it would be heart wrenching to watch them slowly suffer because they’re not as happy as they could be. Yeah, it’s nice to own someone. I get it. But, it’s not love. If you’re lucky enough to find one single person who makes every part of your being pulsate and can truly match your intensity, someone who judges you just enough for your comfort and can make you feel like you’re the only you and you matter; then, hold onto that. But, if they need something else don’t be opposed to altering your definition of cheating.
Back when I was truly monogamous, I got cheated on. I remember the pain. I remember feeling so heart-broken because of what had happened. But, the more I contemplated the act of cheating, the more time I spent dwelling on the occurrences that happened, the more I realized that it wasn’t even the sex that bothered me. It was the lying, the sneaking around, and the feeling that I was stupid or that my partner thought I was stupid. THAT; was the problem. Cheating adapted for me to being dishonesty at a particularly young age.
When I realized I was a serial monogamist at the ripe age of 20; having had 3 long term relationships from the age of 14 until then, I decided to date around. I met someone wonderful and wasn’t quite satisfied. I asked about an open relationship. But, it wasn’t the sex that was unsatisfactory; he wasn’t unsatisfactory in any way. I still wanted to see what was out there, I didn’t want to miss out on something because a relationship was holding me back. And, I didn’t want him to change! I expressed I wanted more from another relationship than just sex and until it was about to look him in the face, it was fine. He wasn’t being honest with me about his feelings, or even himself. He cheated. And, of course, I felt like the monster for wanting Mr. Drendel to be more than just an acquaintance.
Sadly, Mr. Drendel was only ever an acquaintance. My open relationship turned me into a piece of meat, property. How he reacted to a look across the bar will forever remind me that I will not be owned. And I left him. Maybe one day I’ll delve into that. Or Mr. Drendel. He’s a wonderful story to get into; one of regret.
After that, I spent some time solo. Moved away from the small town I was residing in and wondered if I was completely alone in my views on relationships. I got roped into online dating because I was “exiling myself and needed to meet at least some friends”, according to my roomie at the time. That was a joke. I didn’t have to meet any of these people to realize they weren’t what I wanted. I wondered if I was being too harsh. I started to message with someone who was so brutally honest that I was taken aback. He had a lover who knew he was on this website. He introduced me to poly. Not polyamory. Poly. There is a difference (this is sarcasm, but, many people believe there is a distinction. ASK!). Poly is when you’re afraid to be alone and are truly monogamous searching for someone to fulfill all your needs while still having someone in your bed. Essentially, you slut it out until you can dwindle it down to someone to be amorous with. Love is a deficit in poly.
Poly is the reason that so many people are opposed to polyamory. They think it is the same thing. But, in a truly polyamorous relationship it’s the amory that sticks you together… not the poly part. I have yet to be in a successful polyamorous relationship, or a successful poly relationship, or a successful monogamous relationship. If successful means that it lasts and you don’t split up because of whatever reason. I suppose I meet too many dishonest people. Which seems to be my Achilles heel. “Oh, please lie to me! It’s just so sexy!” However, I do have many relationships that are successful and not so romantic. So, that’s something!
If there is love, and hopefully not unrequited, there is a risk of loss because of something minor that could be solved by redefining cheating. Being honest is the key. Be honest to yourself and to your partner. And, maybe, single people should claim to be “dating” instead of “polyamorous”. You know; be honest. If you love nobody; you’re not polyamorous!